thingwithfeathers | Splintering (Link Click, Lu Guang/Cheng Xiaoshi, rated E, 2/3)

Title: Splintering (2/3)
Rating: E
Word Count: (this chapter) 6,801; (entire fic) 15,586
Genre: Character Study, Drama, Romance
Fandom: Link Click
Characters: Cheng Xiaoshi/Lu Guang
Warnings: Cheng Xiaoshi/male OC, Gender dysphoria, Pronoun confusion, Dissociation, Panic attacks (in detail), Self-harm (scratching, brief), FTM Lu Guang, Voyeurism (Lu Guang), Inability to consent due to lack of information (male OC), Dubious consent that shades more towards noncon (Cheng Xiaoshi), Service top/topping from the bottom Lu Guang, and a metric ton of pining
Summary: Lu Guang licked his lips. His eyes tracked across Cheng Xiaoshi's face—his dark eyes, his cheekbones, lingering for a second on his mouth before flicking away.

"For this case," he explained, "You have to have sex."

(—Jumping through photographs, jumping through bodies: a discussion of gender through time travel.)

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Fic Tag

After a quick stop in the bedroom to review the plan with Lu Guang and get dressed, Cheng Xiaoshi appeared in the doorway of her husband's oak-paneled study, her body clothed in a sheer robe. When her husband looked up and caught sight of her, his lips parted and his fingers stilled on his keyboard.

Well. That was satisfying. Cheng Xiaoshi propped her arm up on the doorjamb and draped herself against it.

"I'm ready," she announced.

Lu Guang gave a poorly suppressed mental snort. Her husband, however, seemed to hold a different opinion: he rose, eyes glued to her, before he caught himself and glanced at his laptop. "Just...just a moment, darling. Let me close up for the night."

"Nooo, I can't wait," Cheng Xiaoshi whined, strutting into the room like she owned it. Her husband's eyes widened.

"Now, dear, you know you're not supposed to—"

But then she slid into his lap and pushed him back into the chair, the translucency of her robe more obvious up close. Cheng Xiaoshi watched her husband's eyes rake over her curves, lingering on her breasts and hips. "I need you," Cheng Xiaoshi whispered, leaning in so their noses were nearly brushing. He wound her arms around her husband's neck, feeling a prickle of embarrassment but determined to see it through.

"No one's allowed in my study..." he said, but his eyes were fixed on her mouth. Cheng Xiaoshi ran her tongue across her upper lip, slow and showy, watching his eyes track the movement.

Her husband leaned forward as if hypnotized, and Cheng Xiaoshi moved to meet him halfway. She felt the faint shudder that went through him as their lips touched.

[You need to keep his hands busy,] Lu Guang said.

[Uh-huh...] He expected Lu Guang's presence in the back of his mind to be distracting, but it wasn't. The familiarity of it helped.

Her husband was licking his way into her mouth. His hands cupped her breasts, lifting them beneath the fabric, and the soft pressure it put on her ribcage was alien enough that it snapped him out of his makeout haze. ["Hands busy," right. Pretty sure I've got that covered.]

After a moment of thought, Cheng Xiaoshi arched her back, pushing her breasts more firmly into her husband's hands. Her husband made a pleased noise into the kiss, his hands moving to gently knead the undersides of her breasts. His thumbs tripped over the soft tips of her nipples and Cheng Xiaoshi gasped into his mouth.

Her husband chuckled at that and repeated the gesture, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over her nipples more slowly. That strange tingling started again, concentrating in the pit of her stomach. Cheng Xiaoshi again felt a weird impulse to squirm. Her husband traced widening circles on her breasts, starting at the center of her nipples and spiraling out until they traced the edges of her areolas, before swiping back across the tips with firm intent. They pebbled hard and bounced back from the soft pressure of his fingers, sending a sharper shock straight to Cheng Xiaoshi's groin. That, and the way the pleasure in her breasts kept building, and the hot feeling of her husband's tongue sliding against her own—

It was staggering. Cheng Xiaoshi had never felt anything like this, this squirming, hot pleasure tightening in his body. His skin and his nipples had never felt this sensitive, and when her husband's fingers pressed into her flesh he couldn't ignore how soft and squishy this body felt, how different it was from his own.

"Your skin feels so smooth," her husband murmured against her mouth. "I love it. I could touch you forever."

It was Cheng Xiaoshi's first time doing anything like this. Was this normal? Her husband was certainly acting like it was. Did women always feel like this, achingly sensitive from the slightest brush of fingers against their tender places? How were they not distracted all the time?

Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't stop shifting her hips, feeling her husband hardening in his slacks. Her husband chuckled, his hands dropping to her waist and moving her in a slow, intentional grind against his lap. Cheng Xiaoshi realized with a shock that the hot feeling in her core was wetness. There was a hollow craving in the pit of her stomach, and she was getting wet, Cheng Xiaoshi could feel it against the thin fabric of her gown. She wanted to keep grinding against her husband, wanted to feel his hard thick length part her labia and notch up against her, coating him in slick.

Cheng Xiaoshi could smell it, suddenly. He could smell her arousal. It was a hot, thick scent, utterly alien. Something about it, the magnitude of the desires unfurling inside of him, the hot wet impossible anatomy, the foreign impulses that couldn't be ignored, felt like a violation speared directly into his brain. This wasn't his body, this wasn't—

He reared back, eyes widening.

[Cheng Xiaoshi!] Lu Guang barked.

Cheng Xiaoshi gasped, his vision narrowing. Her husband's hands had paused, and his eyes were dazed as they met hers. Looking into her husband's face, he felt a flare of desire. He couldn't tell if the emotion was his own or if it belonged to her. Everything felt so tangled together, every nerve in his body misfiring, raw with sensitivity.

[Lu Guang,] Cheng Xiaoshi choked out.

[I'm here,] Lu Guang answered instantly. His low voice projected calm, but Cheng Xiaoshi could hear the worry buried beneath it. [Take a deep breath. You can exit the photo if it's too—]

Cheng Xiaoshi gave a minute shake of his head. [But I—the client—and, I mean, I said I could, I—]

[This is not your fault,] Lu Guang snapped. [You did not ask for this.]

"Darling?" her husband murmured, reaching up to cup her cheek. "Are you all right? Did I hurt you?"

Cheng Xiaoshi's trembling lips pressed together into a tight line. He whispered, [Lu Guang, help me.]

There was a tiny pause.

[I need you,] Lu Guang replied, his voice firm and quiet. The words made Cheng Xiaoshi's heart thud in his chest, distracting him from all the other warring sensations. ["I need you." Repeat that to him, now.]

"I...I need you," Cheng Xiaoshi squeezed out, her voice sounding high and reedy and far away to her own ears. "I need you."

Her husband made a rough, approving noise and let go of her, his hands darting to his belt buckle. "I need you too, darling," he gasped. "Lift your hips, there you go, love—"

[Now,] Lu Guang said, [get up, and lean on the desk—]

Cheng Xiaoshi twisted, sliding out of her husband's lap to stand on legs that threatened to buckle. He bent her body forward with a jerk, every movement a struggle to control a body he could barely feel, too dizzy to make it alluring. But it didn't seem to matter, because Cheng Xiaoshi heard her husband groan behind her and then the screech of the chair as it was shoved back.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," her husband moaned, and then there was the soft sound of his pants falling to the floor. Hands moved to cup his ass, the press of his fingers accentuating how wide and round this body's hips were, and Cheng Xiaoshi's chest heaved. Her husband slid the silky gown up her hips to reveal her fully, and Cheng Xiaoshi tried to ignore it, instead looking down at her thin arms, trembling as she struggled to hold her weight; at her hands, too small. The desk surface was a cool shock against her nipples, and she arched her back, trying to get away from it.

[You're almost done,] Lu Guang said urgently, [the papers on the desk, push the top level out of the way—] Cheng Xiaoshi managed to twitch her fingers and papers crumpled as she swiped some of them clear. [That's it, that page under your right hand. Pull it up, I need a better—] Cheng Xiaoshi jerked the paper upwards, then froze as a waterfall of papers fluttered off of the desk, worried that her husband might take notice. But he didn't, wholly focused on her body. Cheng Xiaoshi could hear his grunting breaths. His fumbling fingers spread her open, glancing against something between her legs that made her gasp and jerk her hips back, flinching against the bolt of sharp pleasure. Then a blunt, thick heat pressed—

Cheng Xiaoshi cried out, the sound loud and desperate. Lu Guang's hurried response made his body sag with relief.

[Got it. Cheng Xiaoshi, come back. Come back!]

He couldn't clap his hands fast enough.

Lu Guang was sitting at his desk, fingers anxiously drumming against the surface, when Cheng Xiaoshi warped back to the present.

He staggered, the gold fading from his eyes as his proprioception kicked back in. Lu Guang lunged to his feet as Cheng Xiaoshi fell against the side of the desk. The sound of the impact was hard enough that Lu Guang winced, but Cheng Xiaoshi didn't seem to notice. His head jerked up instead, glancing around their bedroom with wide, unseeing eyes.

"Cheng Xiaoshi—"

Lu Guang touched his arm, but before he could get a firm grip, Cheng Xiaoshi shuddered all over like a startled racehorse and fled across the room.

“Cheng Xiaoshi!” Lu Guang shouted, lunging to grab him again but missing just barely. He overbalanced and stumbled to the floor, landing hard with a stifled grunt of pain. But Cheng Xiaoshi didn't turn or stop, darting up the stairs. Lu Guang heard the bathroom door slam, and rolled onto his side, struggling to stand as his mind raced.

Cheng Xiaoshi's wide eyes sought out his own in the mirror and he froze, taking in his pale face. Wild hair, dark eyes, broad shoulders in his favorite blue jacket, large hands with long, thin fingers. Was it him? This was his body, right?

He ripped off his jacket, then his shirt, the tremble starting in his hands and spreading through his whole body. His hands clutched his wrists and forearms, turning and scruitinizing them. He pressed grasping hands to his chest, feeling the firm swell of his pectorals, the absence of more dramatic curves. His skin had the right amount of give to it, no generous layer of subcutaneous fat beneath. His hands moved to the rhythm of his jerky gasps as they rubbed a rough circle across his chest, then up to clutch at his throat and shoulder. He struggled to focus his eyes on the mirror as he watched his hands move, dragging them against his mouth, his cheekbones. His nails dug into the hollows of his cheeks and the sharp pain barely registered, only fueling his alarm. That was him, right? In the mirror? Where was he?

He collapsed to the foor, his hands lifting from his face to cross over his chest, clutching at himself as he shook. He still couldn't feel properly and he dug his nails in, gauging how they pressed in around his clavicles. That hurt, a sharp pain that made him gasp, but he couldn't tell if it was from pain or relief or terror. He dug in harder and then scraped his nails down, the lines of pain dragging over his collarbone.

Lu Guang flung the bathroom door open, panting after sprinting up the stairs. He took one glance at Cheng Xiaoshi huddled on the ground before he was on his knees before him, prying his nails out of his skin. "Cheng Xiaoshi," he said, his voice low and alarmed, "Cheng Xiaoshi, you're safe. You're all right. Just breathe."

"I—" he was shaking and gasping, choking on air. "I c-can't—"

Lu Guang took one of Cheng Xiaoshi's numb hands and pressed it against his chest, his eyes boring into his own. "I'm going to count," he said. "Breathe in for four counts, hold it for four counts, breathe out for six counts. Just focus on me, Cheng Xiaoshi. I'm here with you. Focus on my voice. I'm going to count now. Breathe—one, two, three, four—"

Cheng Xiaoshi tried to follow the instructions, tried to follow the slow pace of Lu Guang's counting, but he couldn't, he was shaking too badly and his lungs refused to work. He took shuddery, shaking sips of air when Lu Guang said to breathe in, but couldn't breathe out at all when Lu Guang counted the exhale. He clutched at Lu Guang, his panic spiking, and the counting stopped.

"Okay," Lu Guang said, "okay, I'm sorry, hold on, just don't move, all right—I'm going to stay in the room, you can keep your eyes on me, just don't move."

Cheng Xiaoshi blinked dumbly at him, his chest heaving, and when Lu Guang stood up his hands flopped nerveless to the tile floor. His eyes stuck to Lu Guang as he crossed the room and turned the shower on. When Lu Guang knelt and pulled Cheng Xiaoshi into his arms, he didn't fight. He tried to find his footing when Lu Guang heaved him up, but mostly he was dead weight, and Lu Guang staggered as they found their balance.

"It's going to be cold," Lu Guang said into his ear. "I'm sorry," and then he heaved them both in.

The needle-like cold of the water made him yelp. He was drenched in seconds, the water flooding over his back and chest, his jeans dragging against his legs with new weight. A sharp hiss spilled from Lu Guang's mouth as the icy water hit him too, soaking through his clothes. He pulled Cheng Xiaoshi in against him and squeezed.

The cold shocked him so badly that all the racing thoughts flew out of his head. All he could think about was how he was suddenly freezing, and in counterpoint Lu Guang's body felt searingly warm. He blinked through clumped wet lashes up at Lu Guang, taking in his wincing face for what felt like the first time. Icy water was dripping off the end of his nose and coursing down the planes of his face. His soft white hair looked bedraggled and, flattened by the weight of the water, much smaller than it usually did. It reminded Cheng Xiaoshi of how longhair cats shrunk when they were given a bath, and a small hysterical laugh bubbled out of him.

Lu Guang's eyes narrowed. "Can you breathe?" he asked.

Cheng Xiaoshi's breaths were coming in short, shivery pants, but it was better than it was before he'd been dumped into the cold water. "A—little," he gasped.

"Okay," Lu Guang said. "Good. That's good."

Lu Guang was shaking both from the cold and from the strain of holding them both upright, and with a soft groan he lowered them to the floor. He leaned back against the far wall with Cheng Xiaoshi crumpled against his front, his arms around Lu Guang's neck and his face buried in his shoulder. At this lower angle the shower spray hit them more directly, a sharp stinging sensation against Cheng Xiaoshi's nape. Lu Guang wrapped his arms around him and squeezed with firm, gentle pressure.

"On a scale from 1 to 10," he asked, "where 0 is no panic at all and 10 is how you were when I came in, how badly are you feeling right now?"

The frigid temperature was soaking deep into Cheng Xiaoshi's body now, clearing away the lingering panic and leaving a more simple misery. "S-seven," he forced out.

"That's good. You're doing well, Cheng Xiaoshi." Lu Guang dropped his head so that he spoke into Cheng Xiaoshi's ear, shifting him a little so that he settled more easily into Lu Guang's arms. "I'm going to count to ten," he said. "After I say each number, you just repeat it back me. So I'm going to say 'one,' and then you say 'one.' Can you do that?"

Cheng Xiaoshi nodded. The pressure encircling his body felt good. He focused on it, his eyes closing.

"One," he heard.

There was a pause before he managed, "O-one."

"Good. Two."

"T-two."

They counted up until they reached ten. As they progressed, Cheng Xiaoshi's breathing slowed even as both their shivering got worse. It was cold, it was so cold, but that was better than the horrifying dizzy nausea of a few minutes before.

"How are you now?" Lu Guang asked when they had finished. "Scale of one to ten?"

"Four or f-five."

"Okay," Lu Guang said. The note of relief in his voice was unmistakable, even through his chattering teeth. "I'm going to stop the water. Can you take off your clothes?"

Lu Guang stood and turned the shower off before stripping himself, his back to Cheng Xiaoshi. His sodden clothes hit the shower tile with a series of wet slaps. He left his boxers on, leaning over to snag the towel hanging on the hook just outside.

Cheng Xiaoshi's jeans felt glued onto his thighs and he struggled to work them down his legs. A shadow fell over him before Lu Guang started drying his hair with rough, quick movements. Cheng Xiaoshi made a disgruntled noise and swiped for the towel, his hand landing on Lu Guang's wrist, then his hand.

"I can do it," he said, a bit of annoyance creeping into his exhausted voice.

The towel paused. Cheng Xiaoshi peeked up to see Lu Guang studying him, partially obscured by the folds of cloth. Relief shone in his eyes. He nodded, and pushed the towel into Cheng Xiaoshi's hands.

"I'll get you a change of clothes," he said, and left the room.

When Lu Guang returned after drying himself and putting on a fresh change of clothes, Cheng Xiaoshi had finished kicking his jeans away, but that seemed to have been all he could manage. He had wrapped the towel around his damp body and was huddled down against the shower floor, still shivering. Water dripped off of his hair and pooled on the wet tile.

Lu Guang took in his soggy state and frowned. He pulled his own towel off the bathroom's far wall and started drying Cheng Xiaoshi's hair again. Cheng Xiaoshi made small grumpy noises but Lu Guang didn't relent this time, and after a while Cheng Xiaoshi closed his eyes, swaying to the movements of Lu Guang's hands. They moved briskly, still trembling with cold.

Once his hair was no longer dripping wet, Lu Guang reached for the towel around Cheng Xiaoshi's shoulders. He used it to dry his arms and his chest before leaning over him to dry as far down his back as he could reach. "Can you stand?" he said.

Cheng Xiaoshi rose to his knees, reaching for Lu Guang's outstretched hand to pull himself up the rest of the way. He swayed on his feet. Lu Guang's grip held until he steadied, and then he knelt to start drying Cheng Xiaoshi's legs. His hands were all efficiency, but his eyes kept darting up Cheng Xiaoshi’s his face, lips pressing thin at the drowsy expression he saw there.

"Your hair's all wet," Cheng Xiaoshi said, his vowels slurring. Now that the worst of the panic had drained away, he seemed to be fading fast. “But you’re still pretty. What’s up with that?”

"Don't fall asleep yet," Lu Guang said, ignoring the second half of the statement. "Change into warm clothes first."

"Tired..."

"Stay with me. What's your favorite color?"

"Hm? Yellow," Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled, lifting his arms so Lu Guang could pull his shirt on. His head popped free, leaving a ring of dampness on the collar, but the rest of the shirt remained dry enough. He let Lu Guang help him into a sweater, and then placed a hand on Lu Guang's shoulder to steady himself while he stepped into a pair of sweatpants.

"What's your favorite bubble tea place?" Lu Guang asked.

"The one by the station," he said. "Tea sounds good..."

"I'll boil some water."

"So efficient," Cheng Xiaoshi sighed, leaning against Lu Guang. Lu Guang wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Come on," he murmured. "Bed, then you can rest." A few minutes later he slid Cheng Xiaoshi onto the lower bunk, pulling another blanket over him.

"On a scale of one to ten," Lu Guang started, but Cheng Xiaoshi waved a hand.

"Two, I guess," he mumbled. "'M tired. Stop fussing."

Lu Guang rubbed Cheng Xiaoshi's hands briskly between his own, even though he wasn't much warmer. "I'll wake you up when the tea is ready," he said, then let go. He started to move away, but Cheng Xiaoshi's hand darted out to seize his wrist.

Lu Guang stopped.

Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes were closed, but his brow was furrowed. "What's the date?" he whispered.

Worry clenched in Lu Guang's chest as he answered. Cheng Xiaoshi thought about it, then nodded, burying deeper into the blankets until just the top of his head was poking out.

"I knew that," he said, voice distant. "I just wanted to check."

"Mm." Lu Guang stood there, looking down at the ruffle of hair that was the only thing he could see of him. His throat tightened. "I'll start the tea."

There was a small movement as Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head beneath the blankets. "Lu Guang…stay?" he whispered.

Lu Guang watched him for another moment. Then he sighed, unfolding his arms. He reached up to the top bunk, feeling around for the book he kept there, before moving to sit on the mattress beside him.

Cheng Xiaoshi made an inarticulate noise of protest, making Lu Guang pause. He lifted the blankets so that they made an inviting dark hollow beside him on the bed. "You must be cold, too," Cheng Xiaoshi said. "Get in here."

He was cold, but he hesitated anyway. "I'll be fine."

Cheng Xiaoshi jerked his arm, the blanket flapping, and frowned. "Hurry up, all the warmth is escaping."

Lu Guang slid under the blankets. Cheng Xiaoshi pressed against his side, clicking his tongue over the shivering that Lu Guang couldn't hide when they were in such close proximity.

"Idiot," he said. "Don't act like the hero all the time."

The energy in his voice made the knot of unspoken anxiety loosen in Lu Guang's chest. Still, he lay stiffly on his back as Cheng Xiaoshi shifted around, finding a more comfortable position. After a few minutes, the blanket and the shared body heat started to penetrate through the cold wrapped around his insides, and his shivering stilled. He sighed with relief, his body relaxing almost against his will into the mattress.

Cheng Xiaoshi made a noise of sleepy approval, throwing an arm around him, and the anxious knot in his chest eased the rest of the way.

Cheng Xiaoshi woke up a few hours later with want simmering low in his gut.

He lay in bed, hyperaware of Lu Guang's body next to his own. It wasn't surprising that they'd fallen asleep—they always crashed after a dive, even under the best circumstances. But the short nap left him feeling awake in an exposed-nerve, too-bright kind of way, like having an energy drink on no sleep. He felt overloaded with phantom sensations, his skin sparking and tingling, and arousal kept nudging at the back of his mind like a dog begging for a treat. His throat felt dry, but swallowing didn't help.

He hadn't felt such a strong urge to touch himself since—maybe ever, when he thought about it. He was hyper-aware of Lu Guang still asleep beside him, and he wrestled with the desire to reach out and touch. It wasn't an unfamiliar impulse, he hung off Lu Guang all the time, but the context made it feel bizarre.

He stared at the shadowy shape of the top bunk above him and tried to figure out what people usually did when something like this happened. The only rooms in the house that locked were the darkroom or the bathrooms, but the thought of getting up and dragging himself all that way to jack off felt both ridiculous and exhausting. Besides, Lu Guang was lying on the outside of the bed, and to get out he'd have to crawl over him. He was loath to wake him when his undereye circles seemed to darken by the day. He'd put him through enough this evening; he deserved the rest.

He turned his head, watching Lu Guang's chest rise and fall with the steady cadence of sleep.

He shifted, testing if Lu Guang would wake. He didn't. He could see the pale smudge of Lu Guang's white hair in the dim light, his darker brows smoothed with sleep and his dark lashes fanned against his cheeks. As always in these quieter moments, he was struck by how beautiful Lu Guang was. It was nothing that jerk didn't already know, anyway.

Cheng Xiaoshi closed his eyes again, breathing softly through his nose as he tried to fall back asleep. Then he lay with his eyes open, remembering he'd read somewhere that keeping your eyes closed made it harder to fall asleep somehow. He tried to make out the nearly-silent tick of the clock on the wall. He tried counting sheep.

Finally, he huffed and rolled onto his side, away from Lu Guang. He was half-hard, an awkward lump that stuck to his skin when he moved. He strained his ears, listening for the faintest noise to indicate that Lu Guang was awake, as his hand flirted with the waistband of his boxers. Just touching it was probably fine, right? A quick readjustment, that was all.

A wave of relief flooded him the second he wrapped his hand around himself, so strong that his eyes prickled. He hadn't been expecting that, and for a long minute he just held himself in a loose grip and breathed. He could feel himself getting harder, pressing against the circle of his thumb and index finger as it firmed.

He licked his lips and ran his fingers over himself, lightly, just feeling the shape and heft of it. Down to his balls, running over the loose skin there; and then back up, to where his foreskin shifted under his fingers. The feedback sensation was simultaneously familiar and strange. He pumped his hand a few times, grip loose. It was good but soon tripped over into overstimulation, his skin feeling raw and sensitive. He licked his palm and shoved it down his pants again, stroking from the base all the way to the tip.

The dive was coming back to him in flashes of feeling, phantom hands sliding lovingly across his skin. His own hand felt good, but he wanted more, craving physical contact in a way he'd never felt before. He pulled his foreskin back and ran his thumb in a light circle over the head, and the sharp pleasure of it shocked a low noise from his throat.

He clapped his free hand to his mouth and froze, eyes wide.

For a few breathless moments, nothing happened. Lu Guang was a silent, unmoving shape behind him. Slowly Cheng Xiaoshi lowered his hand from his mouth. He needed to stop, what was he doing? This was—

There was a soft rustle from behind him.

Cheng Xiaoshi's heart lurched. He didn't breathe as Lu Guang shifted, the slight movement tugging on the blanket draped over them both.

With a sick thrill of adrenaline, he felt Lu Guang's hand alight on his hip.

If he asks me to leave, Lu Guang thought with piercing clarity, this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Lu Guang wasn't a deep sleeper at best, and Cheng Xiaoshi's furtive movements had woken him up a few minutes earlier. His sleep-addled brain quickly realized what was happening beside him, and he lay paralyzed, racked by the most intense embarrassment, and the most intense arousal, that he'd ever felt in his life.

Then, Cheng Xiaoshi's voice—immediately recognizable for the timbre and quality that he loved so well—made a raw sound he'd never heard before. It was impossible, now, to misunderstand what Cheng Xiaoshi was doing, and Lu Guang was a lot of things but he wasn't made of stone.

He barely dared to rest his palm on Cheng Xiaoshi's skin, even as his fingers cupped over the curve of his hip. His eyes opened, fixing on the messy smear of Cheng Xiaoshi's dark hair against the white pillowcase. The tension of the body under his hand grew with every second Lu Guang didn't pull away.

He couldn't speak. It was all Lu Guang could do to keep his breathing even, to grant even the slightest amount of plausible deniability, an out if Cheng Xiaoshi wanted it. But the seconds ticked by without any movement, so he breathed in, and he breathed out, and he rubbed the smallest circle against Cheng Xiaoshi's skin with his thumb.

Cheng Xiaoshi's muscles tightened even further, so that he was nearly trembling with the strain. Lu Guang didn't stop, the shirt shifting beneath his finger. His thumb moved down the dip of his waist and then back up to the jut of his hipbone, inscribing circle after slow circle. The motion was gentle, and anything but soothing.

Cheng Xiaoshi made another noise, a strangled whimper in the back of his throat. “Lu Guang—”

"Should I stop?" Lu Guang whispered, his voice shockingly rough in his own ears.

In the distance, an ambulance wailed as it raced through the night. When the sound of it faded, even the clock on the wall seemed to fall silent.

Then, an answering whisper.

"...Don't."

Lu Guang drew in a shuddery breath, realizing that he'd been holding it while he waited for Cheng Xiaoshi's answer. He slid across the mattress, notching their bodies together, legs tangling, pressing his chest against Cheng Xiaoshi's back. His hand slid down to cup the meat of his thigh, feeling the lean strength there. His eyes squeezed shut, and he pressed a clumsy kiss to the place where Cheng Xiaoshi's neck met his shoulder.

The kiss broke something open. All at once Cheng Xiaoshi was arching and pressing back, his shoulderblades pinching backwards as if he couldn't get close enough, a desperate noise clawing out of his mouth. Lu Guang's hands burst into motion, touching everywhere he could reach, catching on the edge of Cheng Xiaoshi's rucked-up sweater. At the first brush against Cheng Xiaoshi's bare skin, both of them whined.

After years of pent-up wanting, being allowed to touch felt like an impossible boon. Lu Guang's hands shook as they pushed underneath Cheng Xiaoshi's clothes, mapping out the firm muscle and fair skin he'd so long coveted. Cheng Xiaoshi squirmed around until they were facing each other, throwing his arms around Lu Guang too. The movement tossed the blanket off, and a moment later Lu Guang's shirt followed suit, tugged off his body by Cheng Xiaoshi's urgent hands.

As his head popped free of his shirt collar, he saw Cheng Xiaoshi's poleaxed expression, staring at his bare chest as if he was seeing him for the first time. Lu Guang watched his gaze rake down to his abs and the faint trail of hair that vanished below his waistband—then up, to his lean shoulders and the subtle valley between his pecs—before finally landing on his face. His eyes were huge and hungry as he met Lu Guang's gaze, but what burst out of his mouth was, "I...I've never done this before."

Lu Guang's distracted mind focused all at once. "You've never done what?" he asked.

Cheng Xiaoshi hesitated, the flushing of his skin visible even in the low light. He gestured wordlessly at Lu Guang's body.

"Been with a man?" Lu Guang guessed.

"Anything," he snapped. He pressed his hands against Lu Guang's stomach with a jerky motion, half-exploring, half-warding. "I don't know what to—I want—"

"Do you want to stop?" Lu Guang asked gently.

Cheng Xiaoshi's panicked expression sharpened into a glare. "If you try to stop me right now I will kick you," he growled. Then he looked down at Lu Guang's body again, and his flare of temper visibly dissolved into nerves. "I mean...unless you don't want to."

Something tender clenched in Lu Guang's chest. He coaxed Cheng Xiaoshi's hands away from his stomach, cradling them in his own as they lay facing each other on the mattress.

"Are you okay with me?"

Cheng Xiaoshi's brow furrowed. "What?"

"Being your first," Lu Guang said. "Is it all right if it's me?"

Cheng Xiaoshi's mouth opened soundlessly. After a small pause, he glanced down at their linked hands.

"You're shaking."

He looked down too. "Oh," Lu Guang said, blinking at his trembling hands with dismay. "Sorry. It's just nerves. I didn't expect—it's...I just wanted..."

Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes narrowed with realization, and he studied Lu Guang's face with new intensity. "You..." he said, shocked, "You wanted—how long have you—?"

Lu Guang's eyes cut away, his lips pinching together. "Since that first basketball game, I think."

At the admission, Cheng Xiaoshi's hands spasmed around his.

"I'll be fine," Lu Guang said. "I just have to get used to...touching you, like this."

His eyes softened. "It actually helps that we're both nervous," he said.

Lu Guang thought about it, then huffed out a laugh. "You're right."

For a few moments they just stared at each other and breathed, taking in each other's details. Cheng Xiaoshi's keen gaze catalogued every one of his expressions, even when he tried to tilt his face away. It was impossible to keep the truth from him forever, and once he knew something, he always—

"I think," he said slowly, "I might not be straight after all."

—charged forward, following only his heart.

Lu Guang burst into helpless laughter, hiccuping with it. Cheng Xiaoshi blinked fast, leaning forward to bump their foreheads together, nosing curiously into his space. Lu Guang pulled his hands free and threw his arms around him, pulling him closer.

"Okay?" Lu Guang breathed, nudging their noses together.

"Yeah," Cheng Xiaoshi replied, hugging him back, "okay."

Cheng Xiaoshi felt like he was floating. Lu Guang's kisses were soft, drawing sensations from his mouth that made his head spin. Lu Guang's tongue flickered against the closed seam of his lips, a gentle invitation that Cheng Xiaoshi accepted greedily. He opened his mouth and the first touch of their tongues dragged a moan out of him. He lost himself in the kiss, trying to learn and mimic Lu Guang's slow movements as best he could, and he could feel when Lu Guang realized he was being studied, how his body seemed to light up and press in closer.

Lu Guang rolled them over so he was on top, cupping Cheng Xiaoshi's cheeks in his palms and tilting his head, deepening the kiss at a glacial pace. Without conscious thought, Cheng Xiaoshi's hips pushed up against Lu Guang, restless. He shuddered when his cock slid against the firm plane of Lu Guang's stomach, sensation licking up the sensitive underside.

He was running out of air. His body bucked against Lu Guang, flooded with sudden adrenaline, and he tore his mouth away. Lu Guang realized what happened a second later and pulled back, letting Cheng Xiaoshi catch his breath. Silence settled between them, not uncomfortable.

"I was wrong, by the way," Cheng Xiaoshi said once he could speak again.

Lu Guang tilted his head to the side, curious. His cheeks were flushed, his lips red and damp. Cheng Xiaoshi felt a familiar flare of annoyance at his beauty, and all at once realized that the feeling was attraction. He blinked, a dozen other things suddenly falling into place. Had he been in love for just as long as Lu Guang had? Maybe he really was an idiot.

Lu Guang was blinking at him; he'd been in the middle of saying something before Lu Guang had distracted him with his face. Right.

He shook his head a little to clear it, and then said, "I was wrong—It's not my first time, not really. I mean, the last dive we did, doesn't that c-count as—"

Lu Guang's eyes sharpened. "That doesn't count," he said, "as anything." He cupped Chang Xiaoshi's face, tilting it up so he couldn't look away. "That wasn't you," he continued, his eyes intent. His other hand stroked down Cheng Xiaoshi's arm, leaving shivery sensation in its wake. "Tell me what you want," Lu Guang said, "and we'll do it. That's what will count."

Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't reply for the sudden lump in his throat. He nodded, the movement nuzzling his cheek against Lu Guang's palm. Lu Guang smiled at him, a small gentle expression that made his own heart lurch, before leaning down to kiss him again.

It felt amazing, and terrifying, and new; Lu Guang on top of him, kissing down his neck as his hands roamed. Cheng Xiaoshi's back arched as Lu Guang pinched a nipple, the sensation electric in a way it had never felt when he'd touched himself before. He clutched at Lu Guang's shoulders, gripping him so hard that he froze.

Lu Guang's eyes flicked up, snagging on something before they reached his face. His small smile evaporated. His fingers splayed across Cheng Xiaoshi's collarbone, his brow furrowing.

"What?" Cheng Xiaoshi looked down too, and saw it: four reddened, parallel lines raking across his clavicle. With a blink he remembered the bathroom, Lu Guang holding him under the icy spray.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lu Guang said. "You've been through a lot today."

Cheng Xiaoshi didn't answer at first, but when Lu Guang tried to pull away he squeezed his shoulders again, forcing him to stay where he was. "You have, too," he said.

Lu Guang exhaled through his nose, and then moved to settle himself against Cheng Xiaoshi's body, slightly off-center so as not to crush him. "We can stop," he said.

"I don't want to stop," Cheng Xiaoshi muttered, but he didn't move either.

Lu Guang didn't reply. He just draped one arm across Cheng Xiaoshi's body, turning his head to rest it on his chest. His eyes stayed open, fixed on the far wall as his fingers traced nonsense patterns against Cheng Xiaoshi's stomach.

Cheng Xiaoshi's hands petted down Lu Guang's shoulders and upper arms, thinking. His mind shied away when he tried to think about the dive directly, so he didn't. He touched the edges of it, trying to make sense of the warring impulses in his body. It felt good when Lu Guang pinched his nipples just now, but before the dive they had never been sensitive; instead they'd felt weird, even a little painful. This time, however, the pinch carried that same zing of pleasure that the woman had experienced.

He remembered the giddy relief he'd felt when he'd taken himself in hand earlier. Now that he was focusing on it, he realized that he felt a little like he was in two places at once, his body overlaid with two sets of conflicting inputs. His pounding heart, his shortened breath, weren't only from arousal. He wasn't panicking, but he wasn't at ease, either, and it wasn't something he could only blame on first-time nerves.

"I don't know I want," he said, and then shook his head. He bit his lip as he searched for the words he wanted to say. "I mean... I want to touch you, Lu Guang. I don't want you to stop touching me. I want to feel good. But, it...what happened, during the dive, that felt good too. It was wrong, but it felt good. And what if it's... What if it's like that again?" he whispered. "What if going into all these people...touching all these minds and bodies and memories...changes who I am, until I don't recognize myself?"

Lu Guang looked down at him. He didn't answer immediately, and the consideration he gave Cheng Xiaoshi's words helped a little, just on its own. He spread the fingers of one hand across Cheng Xiaoshi's chest, right over his heartbeat. It was soothing, focusing on the slight pressure of Lu Guang's hand on his skin. The rhythm of his own pulse. No matter what else he might be feeling, that was unmistakably his.

"Cheng Xiaoshi," he said at last. "Even when you're in a dive, I see you. I don't see anyone else." His hand moved up, brushing his shoulder, his neck, the side of his face, before carding through his hair. His fingers dragged soft and soothing across his scalp, scratching a little before pulling back to repeat the motion. "No matter what body you're in, you're obstinate, stubborn..." His voice is low and fierce. "Principled beyond all reason. Compassionate. My best friend," he whispered. "My partner. You're you, Cheng Xiaoshi. I'd always know you, no matter what you looked like. You couldn't be anyone else, ever."

Cheng Xiaoshi blinked rapidly, his eyes prickling. Lu Guang leaned down, his expression solemn as he pressed a kiss to the corner of one eye.

"If you get lost," he promised, "I'll find you every time."

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter Tag