For every mile of ocean crossed ☆ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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thingwithfeathers2017-10-01 12:04 am
outstretched) wrote in thingwithfeathers2017-10-01 12:04 am
Halcyon (Green/Red, gen, 2/5)
Title: Halcyon (2/5) DNftST #85 (Let Go)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,128 (this chapter); ~32k (total)
Genre: Romance, Drama, Character Study
Fandom: Pokémon
Pairings: Green/Red, background and implied pairings, a lot of gen
Warnings: This chapter- hospitalization, grief, near death situations, family drama, family issues, a lot of crying, monologues
Summary: Sometimes the sea itself is a gift. Sometimes the gift is something it brings you.
A/N: After seven years...thank you for your patience. This fic is completed and will update bi-weekly (three more parts after this one).
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Fic Tag
AO3 Mirror. FFN Mirror. French Translation.
"I came as soon as I heard—"
"Good, so I don't have to go over it again," Green interrupts, turning away from the door. Leaf follows him into his house, eyes widening: Green has flung every drawer in his house open. "I have to go for a while," he says, not looking at her. "Can you look after Lucy and watch things here for a day or two?"
He walks toward his bedroom, turning to grab his jacket from the hallway closet as he goes. Eevee follows without getting underfoot, and Leaf trails behind them both.
"What do I need to know?" she says.
"Not much; Lucy knows what to do. You can stay in the spare bedroom. The ocean forecast looks good, so it should be fine...but if Lucy gives you an alert, gimme a call and Alakazam can teleport me back."
Green turns to shove some clothes into a battered suitcase. Leaf murmurs, "It's him, isn't it? The champion who vanished years ago."
Green pauses, his hands clutching a black shirt. He realizes that he's shaking—that he hasn't stopped since he burst into Gramps' lab on his arcanine's back, screaming for help with Red a slumped and unmoving weight in his arms.
"I don't expect you to understand," he says quietly. "But I can't lose him again."
Leaf doesn't say anything. Green shoves the shirt into the suitcase and slams it closed, half-sitting on it to get it to shut. He blinks when Leaf comes over to help, pressing both her hands against the hard leather top.
"It's not hard to understand, really," Leaf says. "I'll take care of Lucy."
Green flicks the clasps shut and turns to her. She gives him a half-smile and he leans his head against her shoulder, letting someone else take his weight for just a moment. Then he pulls away.
"Thank you," he says, his tone artless with gratitude, his eyes full of fear. "I hope I'll be back soon."
"Safe trip," she replies, and follows Green outside. He calls out Pidgeot and she waves until Green is a speck in the sky.
--
Red is hospitalized at Saffron General. Green visits near-constantly, wearing himself thin on high altitude trips and convenience store meals. He regrets giving up the gym leader position more than ever; if he were in Viridian he could close the gym and no one would care, and he'd be closer to Saffron besides.
But if he weren't the lighthouse keeper, would anyone have been on the beach that day? Green paces outside the ICU door, eyes downcast, one hand resting on the foreign poké ball at his waist.
(He explained to Eevee that pokémon weren't allowed in the hospital, would she mind staying at the hotel? She cocked her head for a moment before vanishing into her poké ball without protest; Green hadn't even thought to ask.)
He's not the only visitor. When Red's mom first sees him, she opens her arms without saying a word. Green is shocked by how fiercely he hugs her, and by how tightly the embrace is returned.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"Thank you for finding him," she whispers back. She releases him, her cheeks wet with tears and her mouth set in a firm line. She was always strong-willed: even as a kid, Green never dared to cross her. Red had the same unflappable demeanor, the same unyielding core.
They sit in the waiting room, shoulders touching. Warm yellow light glows from the shaded lamp in the corner, and the chairs are well-upholstered. Green's insides feel like a tangled mess, and his throat is tight from crying.
"I'm scared," he admits.
The hand that rests on his is more wrinkled than he remembers but still just as soft. "Me too," she says, and knowing he's not alone makes him feel better, somehow.
"You're a good child," she says after a minute. "You always wrote home while you were traveling. Daisy would tell me when you said hello."
Green reddens. "That was a long time ago," he says.
She nods. "It was, wasn't it? You've grown up," she says. "You and Red both. I don't know what happened...to either of you, really." She takes a deep breath. "But you're both home now. That's all that matters."
--
The ICU only allows two visitors to a patient's room at a time. Green is sitting by the window, reading, when he hears a knock on the sliding door. He looks up and Professor Oak steps inside.
Green puts his tablet down.
His grandfather glances at him and then away again. He lifts a hand in greeting, a halting, awkward gesture, before turning towards Red. Green watches his eyes rake over the multiple IV lines, then the numbers and waveforms on the monitor above Red's bed. Professor Oak's brow crumples in thought, making his profile look grave and impressive. It's a look Green associates with peeking through a crack in the door into his grandfather's study, watching him pore over research data. It turns his stomach to think of him looking at Red that way.
"He's doing better today," Green blurts. His grandfather startles and turns towards him slowly, as if he forgot he was there. He's shocked by the raw pain on his grandfather's face before his expression smoothes over.
"Is he?" Professor Oak says, and his voice cracks a little. He turns away, a fist to his mouth as he clears his throat. Green stares at the wrinkles around his eyes and the shape of his shoulders beneath the worn lab coat. He realizes for the first time how old his grandfather is. His hair has gone from salt-and-pepper to almost totally white.
"The nurse said his vital signs are looking better," he says. "They've been giving him antibiotics, and stuff to keep his blood pressure stable. He still has a long way to go, though."
Professor Oak nods, but now that they're looking directly at each other, Green sees a flicker of confusion in his eyes. "What's wrong? This not your area of expertise?" Green says, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
His grandfather ducks his head. "You started helping me with my research when you were just a boy," he says. "I think you would know better than anyone that I don't know everything."
Part of him wants to avoid his grandfather like he's been doing for years and walk out of the room. But Professor Oak stands between him and the door and besides, Red is here—it would take more than his grandfather to shake Green from his place beside him. So Green folds his arms and leans back in his chair, a familiar irritation winding itself up inside of him like a spring. His grandfather's back straightens at the look on Green's face, and Green smiles without mirth.
"Be honest," he says. "You're not happy to see me here, are you? You wanted to see the kid you really wanted as your grandson, instead of me."
There's a long pause.
"I'm aware that you're not happy with me," his grandfather says carefully. "But Red was your rival. Your friend. You..." he clears his throat, and tries again. "The grandson I have is someone who cares about those who are close to him. I'm glad to see you here."
Green rolls his eyes. "You don't have to praise me," he says. "What the hell."
Professor Oak frowns at the language but doesn't reproach him for it. Green feels a little disappointed.
"I knew you were the one who recommended me for the Viridian Gym," Green presses. "Lance told me. You know what he said? 'You should accept your grandfather's peace offering.' I guess that's how it looked to other people." He gives a sharp bark of a laugh. "After Red beat me, you shuttled me off to your researcher friends in the Sevii Islands, but they didn't want me either. Viridian's close to Pallet and I knew you just wanted me close by, to make sure I didn't embarrass you any more. But I did pretty well all by myself, didn't I? I turned that shitty, run-down gym into the strongest gym in Kanto. I made the Earth Badge worth something again.
"So what if I decided I didn't want to live inside your handout anymore," Green spits, his breath coming fast. He doesn't remember standing but his hands are balled into fists at his sides and his grandfather is approaching him slowly with his palms up, as if he's a wild pokémon. "So what if I decided to give up my position and run a goddamn lighthouse. You don't have to pretend that you're proud of me. It's just us here, right? Red's unconscious anyway. There's no one to keep up appearances for. So just tell me the truth, Gramps," he says, and his voice shakes so badly that it's hard to get the words out. His grandfather is still coming closer and he doesn't know what he wants, he's never known what his grandfather wants, and he's tired of trying to figure it out. "You were never afraid to tell me how disappointed you were when I was a kid. Go on, Gramps, tell me what you really think."
There's only a step of space between them now. Professor Oak's hands hover in the middle distance between them, fingers outstretched but not touching. "I have only ever wanted what's best for you," he says. His voice is thin and trembling. "For God's sake, Green, you're my grandson. You and Daisy were the only family I had left after your mother died. Don't you think I care about you?"
"No," Green whispers, "I don't."
He flinches, but continues. "I know how much the championship meant to you. I wanted to shield you from the media and the pressure—I sent you to the Sevii Islands to recover from that. But I also wanted to show you battling wasn't all there was to pokémon."
"You thought I deserved to lose the championship," Green snarls. "You thought Red deserved to beat me."
Professor Oak's mouth tightens. "I won't lie to you," he says. "I did. But it was because you still had so much to learn. There's so much more to life than winning or losing a title. Both you and your pokémon deserve more. Red's a natural genius with pokémon, but he couldn't have restored the Viridian Gym like you did. I nominated you because I knew what you were capable of. You're intelligent and passionate, and I've always known life had great things in store for you. No one has worked harder or loves pokémon now more than you, Green," Professor Oak says, "and I am so proud of you for that."
"When I lost the championship, I just wanted to come home," Green says, unable to stop the hitch in his voice. "I wanted to come home and you didn't even want me there."
Professor Oak's expression crumbles. He steps forward and pulls Green into his arms, squeezing him so tightly it hurts. Green just lets him, vision blurring as he stares straight ahead at the empty doorway. They're in a hospital, he thinks. They're in public. He shouldn't be acting like this. But he can't bring himself to push his grandfather away. He can't stop himself from shaking.
"I'm sorry," his grandfather whispers in his ear, his voice low and urgent and fierce. "I'm so sorry."
Sometimes Green looks in the mirror and sees the lines of his grandfather's face in his own. It used to infuriate him; now it just makes him feel tired. He thinks he sees some of that exhaustion mirrored in his grandfather's expression. It was the same when he woke up on the three year anniversary of Red's disappearance and realized he was the only one keeping track. When he realized there was no witness to his grudge but his own ego.
He thinks again of Red half-buried in the surf. When he first saw Red after he was transferred to the ICU, he was barely recognizable. Green reached out to touch him and it felt so strange, his hand swollen with IV fluids, a limp weight in his palms; but still, there was a flicker of motion at the touch.
He had been waiting for him, Green thinks. He had been waiting all this time.
Green takes a deep, shuddering breath, and then another. "Please let go of me," he says.
His grandfather immediately steps back. "I'm sorry."
"No, no." Green can't look at him anymore. "I...wanted to hear that. I just...it's a lot to process."
Professor Oak glances down, a hand rubbing over his face. "Yes. That's true. But I meant every word, Green." He sighs, looking up at him again. "My only regret is that I never said these things to you sooner."
Green shakes his head. It's too much, he's too emotionally raw to handle any more input right now. "I'm gonna go," he says. "You'll stay with Red, right?"
His grandfather's brow is furrowing again. "You're pale," he says. "Will you be all right?"
"I'll be fine," he says. "I'm gonna lie down, though. I didn't sleep much last night."
After a pause his grandfather nods, still watching his face. "Make sure you eat something first," he says. "You have to take care of yourself."
"I always take care of myself," Green sighs. "See you later, Gramps."
The nurse ignores him when he steps out of the room. He doesn't know if they overheard, or if they even cared if they had. They probably see all kinds of family drama, anyway.
He gets outside and calls out Eevee, who takes one look at his face and leaps into his arms, covering his cheeks in tiny kisses until he gives an exhausted chuckle. "Thanks," he says. "I needed that. Keep me awake until we get to the hotel, okay? I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep just standing here...jeez. Gramps didn't have to spring that on me."
His voice is annoyed, but his steps feel lighter than they have in years.
--
The news of Red's return breaks eventually, of course. Green notified the League once Red was admitted to the hospital so they could prepare. Indigo Plateau responded by releasing a carefully crafted statement, ...recently returned from an overseas trip, critical but stable condition, please respect his family's wishes for privacy at this time.
Leaf sends him a selfie with her back to the lighthouse's window balcony, a few curious reporters on the ground below. don't say anything you'll make it worse, Green replies as fast as his fingers will type. Then, belatedly: Sorry about this.
lol nice to know you put me first, Leaf says. don't worry tho. I got it under control.
Meanwhile, Silver complains that the gym's voicemail is full of reporters asking for Green's contact information. I don't want to be in anyone's shadow, he sends in an e-mail.
Just tell them to get off your lawn, Green responds. You're an old man now, just like the rest of us gym leaders. He's a little stung that being Red's biggest rival doesn't seem to count as family, but he can't say he's surprised, either.
Lance calls to ask how Red is doing. "Of course you'd want to know, huh," Green says. "You don't need to worry, though. He's not going to be challenging Ethan for a while."
Lance chuckles. It's a soft sound, and it surprises Green every time he hears it. "That's the least of my concerns, Green. Red is important to all of Kanto, of course, but more than that, I have always considered him a friend. Of course I want to know how he's doing."
Green's mouth pulls to the side in a flat line, feeling chastised somehow. "The nurse says Red's doing better today. They took him off some of the drips he was on. Hey, how are Red's pokémon? I haven't heard about them since…"
"Oh," Lance replies, "pokémon are hardier than us humans—they've made a full recovery. Your grandfather offered to house them at his ranch until Red is feeling better."
Green's voice lowers. "What about Pikachu?"
"Pikachu too," Lance reassures him. "And don't worry, I'll update everyone else on Red's status. Thank you for doing this, by the way."
"Doing what?"
"Acting as the contact point for Red's loved ones."
Suddenly self-conscious, he shrugs even though Lance can't see it. "It's nothing," he adds dryly. "You know me, I love being the center of attention anyway."
Lance's voice softens. "Speaking of you...how are you doing?"
"I'm fine."
"This must all be quite hard on you," he says, so gently that Green feels his throat tighten. "I understand that you're the one who found him."
"I'm fine," Green repeats, but his voice gives him away. He pulls the phone away to grimace at it before returning it to the cradle of his shoulder.
Lance waits another moment, but Green doesn't say anything. After the silence goes on for long enough to become awkward, Lance clears his throat and continues. "We've worked together for the last decade," he says. "I would not forget the time we spent together so easily. Of course I'm interested in your welfare as well."
"You always get so formal when you don't know what to say," Green says.
"Yes," Lance replies dryly, "as you've pointed out to me many times in the past."
Green laughs. "I'm glad you've lightened up some over the years," he says. "Thanks for asking about me."
"It is nothing," Lance says, the warmth of his voice clear through the phone. "Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you all."
--
The last message of the day is the first to make him stop short. Are you okay? -Kris
In a moment he's dialed her number and pressed the phone to his ear. It takes longer than expected for Kris to pick up, considering she texted him moments before. He hears the rustle of papers, a distant "oh!" as if the phone has nearly been dropped, before Kris's voice rings out. "Elm Labratory, Kris speaking!"
"Hey," he says, suddenly nervous.
He hears a quick intake of breath as she recognizes his voice. "Oh! Hey," she replies, sounding just as out-of-place. "It's so weird to hear your voice."
Green snorts. "Thanks a lot."
"Oh come on, stop it, I don't mean it like that! It's just like...it feels like I've gotten a letter from far away, or something. It's kind of exciting."
"Oh yeah? Was my voice so sexy that it made your heart pound?" he says, grinning.
She just laughs at him. "But seriously, though! We haven't spoken since I was in Pallet, right?"
Green swallows. "Yeah. Long time no chat."
"I'm sorry," Kris says. "I should have called—"
"No, no," Green interrupts. "It takes two to talk, right? I didn't call either. How are you?"
"I should be asking you that," Kris says.
Green sighs, glancing out the window at the twinkling Saffron skyline. It never really gets dark here, and while Green is somewhat used to that from living in a lighthouse, the steady sweep of Lucy's light is different from the LED brilliance that lances in through the hotel room's parted curtains. "I don't know," he says. "It's...it's hard to explain."
"I've got time," she says.
Suddenly reminded, Green looks at the clock and winces. "Oh man, it's like three in the morning. I'm sorry."
"I'm the one who texted you," she retorts. "Besides, did you already forget that I'm a noctowl? I'm keeping an eye on some of Elm's projects overnight, so I was kind of bored, honestly. What's up?"
It helps, somehow, that Kris is being a little flippant about it. It's easier to talk if he knows the other person isn't worried about him or worse, pitying him.
"I really can't complain," Green says, "I mean like, Red's mom, god, she stays with Red in the hospital every night and only sleeps for a few hours a day when Gramps and I force her to. But she's still so calm somehow, listening to everything the doctors say, thanking everybody for taking care of her son. We're covering her hotel costs and stuff while she's here, and Daisy's minding the house, but it's nothing compared to what she must be going through. I...kind of like spending so much time with her, though. I mean, I wish it was under different circumstances, and I guess it's a bit weird since we're not even related, but I think I missed her. But sometimes she catches me—"
Green stops, biting his lip. After a long pause, Kris says, "She catches what?"
His teeth worry at his lower lip and then sink in, hard and suddenly, trying to curtail his racing thoughts. Catches me looking, he doesn't say. Catches me thinking about how I— "He was gone for thirteen years," Green says. "He wasn't into letters or phone calls, and besides, I didn't have a lot to say to him after...well. I didn't want to talk to him. And it's not like it was a big deal...just one day I looked up and realized I hadn't heard from Red in six months. I tried to call him and couldn't. I asked Daisy and she hadn't heard from him either. He just...vanished.
"Ethan mentioned seeing an amazing trainer on Mt. Silver but when I went, I didn't find anything. But I figured, whatever, Red gets in my way all the time, of course he'll show up again. I thought he would come knocking when I became gym leader, you know? Show up and challenge me for it, or something. But he didn't."
Green realizes that he's rubbing at where his neck meets his shoulders, subconsciously trying to soothe himself. He forces himself to stop. Kris is still silent, so he swallows once and continues.
"It's not like I haven't been busy myself, you know," he says. "I'm pretty awesome. Staying the top gym leader in Kanto isn't easy. Team Rocket tried starting something in Viridian three years after Giovanni disbanded the whole thing, and I kicked them out of town. I did a lot of regional tours, too—goodwill trips and stuff...but still. It didn't feel right.
"I never told anyone, but they offered me a position in the Elite Four," he says. "I told them I didn't want it. I actually yelled at Lance for offering it to me. 'I wasn't good enough to be champion, so you want me to sit around and pick who's gonna be champion instead?' I said. 'Are you going to rub that in my face forever?' You know what Lance said to me? He said, 'Green, the only one who's still thinking about that is you.'
"And he was right. To everyone else, that stuff was ancient history. But then...then I realized, I'd…" Green stops to take a shaking breath. "I'd never gotten over Red. It was like I was still 14 inside, waiting for him to show up at my gym, waiting for him to come after me again. I wanted him to. I didn't know what to do without Red following me. That's what I realized. I was sitting around, waiting for some asshole who was never going to show.
"So I quit the gym."
His voice is wobbly, so he stops talking for a minute. He can hear Kris breathing on the other end, slow and even.
He could imagine what she'd be doing if she were here next to him. She'd be staring at some scientific journal in her lap, one hand fiddling with a highlighter. It would look like she wasn't paying attention. But slowly, if he let the silence go long enough, her free hand would sneak out and settle over his. She'd tilt her head to rest on his shoulder. She'd never turn toward him, not once, because she knew if she did he'd stop talking. She'd never look up from her paper. But he'd have all of her attention.
Right now Kris is probably watching test tubes bubble in Elm's lab and writing down numbers, or something. But she's listening. And because he knows she'll stay on the line until morning if that's how long it takes, he opens his mouth again.
His voice is small.
"I knew he was out there somewhere," he says. "So I never worried about it. I just figured he didn't want to put up with some loser who couldn't accept that he was always gonna be second best. I mean, who has time for someone like that, right? But Red—when I found him—he was—" his voice breaks again and he forces it louder, to drown the shaking out. "He was just lying there. He could have died. He could have died and if I wasn't there, if the lighthouse hadn't been placed just where it was—if nobody was there to find him, I could have lost him, just like that.
"How could that happen? How could he—I ignored him because I thought nothing would happen if I did. But I could have lost him. I would have spent the rest of my life not even knowing he was dead. That scares the shit out of me. I didn't even—I didn't even think he was something I could lose. I didn't realize I thought of him as something I had in the first place. I just wanted—I want Red to wake up," he whispers into the phone. "I want him to wake up, and I want him to look at me, and I never want him to leave ever again."
Green is tired of crying. At least this time there's no one around, and he knows the person on the other end of the line would never look up until his tears were dry. Just as he expects, Kris doesn't say anything until the last of his hiccups subside.
"You love him, don't you?" Kris says.
"I don't know," Green says miserably. "I think I still hate him."
Kris laughs. "I don't think you hate him, Green."
"I hate him!" Green snaps but it sounds like he's whining, even to his own ears. "What kind of idiot tries to surf across the Hoenn Ocean? I can't believe he's still this stupid and irresponsible, always taking risks, always—I want to shake him—he could've stayed where he was and out of my life—"
"But you're glad he's home, right?"
"It was easier when he was gone," Green says, sniffling. "God, this is awful. I can't even think straight."
"Drink some water?" Kris suggests.
"Yeah, you're right," he mutters. "Okay. Hold on."
He puts the phone down for a few minutes. When he comes back, he sounds a little better. "Okay," he says again. "Sorry."
"Feeling better?"
"I'm used to well water," Green grumbles. "City water tastes weird."
"Okay, good," she replies.
Green sits down on the bed, his free hand rubbing at his temple. He can tell that he's going to have a headache in a minute.
"Do you remember Leaf?" he says.
"Yeah, I do. I like her. How's she doing?"
"She takes care of Lucy for me while I'm in Saffron. The lighthouse seems to be doing fine. But she lives with Red's mom. She took over the room Red used to have when he was a kid. So when Red's well enough to leave the hospital…I mean, Leaf offered to find a new place, but it's kind of short notice, and Red's mom doesn't want to kick her out, anyway—"
"I see," Kris says. "What are you planning to do?"
"Who says I'm planning anything?" Green snaps. Kris doesn't bother replying, and Green sighs. "I was thinking about asking Red to stay with me in the lighthouse while he gets better. The doctors said he's going to need a lot of physical therapy after he gets out. But it would be weird of me to offer, right? I mean, he's not my family or anything. That's probably weird."
"I don't think it's weird," Kris says. "He's your childhood friend, right?"
"It's weird when you put it that way," Green mutters.
"You grew up together," she says. "It makes sense that you'd want him to get better. You have the extra space, so why not? It'd be easier than asking Leaf to move out all of her stuff, and I know she helps Red's mom around the house a lot too. I think it's a good idea, actually."
"Really? You don't think it's...I don't know. Desperate," he says, wincing.
Kris laughs. "You think way too much," she says. "It's a good solution to an important problem. You might as well give it a shot. Besides, it'll give you time to admit that you love him."
He can't help but flinch. "Now you're just making fun of me," he grumbles.
"Are you feeling better?" she asks, not denying it. He can hear the smile in her voice.
Green sighs. "Yeah, I am," he says. "Thanks, Kris."
"Any time," she says. "You're important to me too, you know." For the first time in the conversation, her voice sounds awkward. "I get so caught up in research...I don't really have a lot of friends. So I think about you a lot. You can call or text any time, okay?"
Green takes a deep breath. "Okay," he says. "I'll text you more often. And I guess I'll ask Red's mom tomorrow and see what she thinks about Red staying with me. It'll still be a little while until he's ready to leave, anyway."
"Sounds like a good plan," Kris says. "You should get some rest."
"Yeah. Good night."
"Good night, Green."
After she hangs up, Green flops back across the bed, one fist pressed against his forehead. His mind is already turning with all the preparation he has to make if he wants to fix up the spare room for Red.
Red living in his house. The thought feels like a soap bubble, too new and fragile to hold, and he closes his eyes against an irrational wave of fright.
"You're not a kid anymore," he tells himself. "You're an adult. Fucking act like it."
He gets ready for bed and buries himself under the covers, but it takes a while before sleep comes.
// written November 2016 to March 2017
Illustration by AJ (thehauntedboy) // Full Size // commission them!
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,128 (this chapter); ~32k (total)
Genre: Romance, Drama, Character Study
Fandom: Pokémon
Pairings: Green/Red, background and implied pairings, a lot of gen
Warnings: This chapter- hospitalization, grief, near death situations, family drama, family issues, a lot of crying, monologues
Summary: Sometimes the sea itself is a gift. Sometimes the gift is something it brings you.
A/N: After seven years...thank you for your patience. This fic is completed and will update bi-weekly (three more parts after this one).
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Fic Tag
AO3 Mirror. FFN Mirror. French Translation.
Tell me how do you undo these years of bone knowledge,
these ways I loved you without even knowing it?
—Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz
"I came as soon as I heard—"
"Good, so I don't have to go over it again," Green interrupts, turning away from the door. Leaf follows him into his house, eyes widening: Green has flung every drawer in his house open. "I have to go for a while," he says, not looking at her. "Can you look after Lucy and watch things here for a day or two?"
He walks toward his bedroom, turning to grab his jacket from the hallway closet as he goes. Eevee follows without getting underfoot, and Leaf trails behind them both.
"What do I need to know?" she says.
"Not much; Lucy knows what to do. You can stay in the spare bedroom. The ocean forecast looks good, so it should be fine...but if Lucy gives you an alert, gimme a call and Alakazam can teleport me back."
Green turns to shove some clothes into a battered suitcase. Leaf murmurs, "It's him, isn't it? The champion who vanished years ago."
Green pauses, his hands clutching a black shirt. He realizes that he's shaking—that he hasn't stopped since he burst into Gramps' lab on his arcanine's back, screaming for help with Red a slumped and unmoving weight in his arms.
"I don't expect you to understand," he says quietly. "But I can't lose him again."
Leaf doesn't say anything. Green shoves the shirt into the suitcase and slams it closed, half-sitting on it to get it to shut. He blinks when Leaf comes over to help, pressing both her hands against the hard leather top.
"It's not hard to understand, really," Leaf says. "I'll take care of Lucy."
Green flicks the clasps shut and turns to her. She gives him a half-smile and he leans his head against her shoulder, letting someone else take his weight for just a moment. Then he pulls away.
"Thank you," he says, his tone artless with gratitude, his eyes full of fear. "I hope I'll be back soon."
"Safe trip," she replies, and follows Green outside. He calls out Pidgeot and she waves until Green is a speck in the sky.
--
Red is hospitalized at Saffron General. Green visits near-constantly, wearing himself thin on high altitude trips and convenience store meals. He regrets giving up the gym leader position more than ever; if he were in Viridian he could close the gym and no one would care, and he'd be closer to Saffron besides.
But if he weren't the lighthouse keeper, would anyone have been on the beach that day? Green paces outside the ICU door, eyes downcast, one hand resting on the foreign poké ball at his waist.
(He explained to Eevee that pokémon weren't allowed in the hospital, would she mind staying at the hotel? She cocked her head for a moment before vanishing into her poké ball without protest; Green hadn't even thought to ask.)
He's not the only visitor. When Red's mom first sees him, she opens her arms without saying a word. Green is shocked by how fiercely he hugs her, and by how tightly the embrace is returned.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"Thank you for finding him," she whispers back. She releases him, her cheeks wet with tears and her mouth set in a firm line. She was always strong-willed: even as a kid, Green never dared to cross her. Red had the same unflappable demeanor, the same unyielding core.
They sit in the waiting room, shoulders touching. Warm yellow light glows from the shaded lamp in the corner, and the chairs are well-upholstered. Green's insides feel like a tangled mess, and his throat is tight from crying.
"I'm scared," he admits.
The hand that rests on his is more wrinkled than he remembers but still just as soft. "Me too," she says, and knowing he's not alone makes him feel better, somehow.
"You're a good child," she says after a minute. "You always wrote home while you were traveling. Daisy would tell me when you said hello."
Green reddens. "That was a long time ago," he says.
She nods. "It was, wasn't it? You've grown up," she says. "You and Red both. I don't know what happened...to either of you, really." She takes a deep breath. "But you're both home now. That's all that matters."
--
The ICU only allows two visitors to a patient's room at a time. Green is sitting by the window, reading, when he hears a knock on the sliding door. He looks up and Professor Oak steps inside.
Green puts his tablet down.
His grandfather glances at him and then away again. He lifts a hand in greeting, a halting, awkward gesture, before turning towards Red. Green watches his eyes rake over the multiple IV lines, then the numbers and waveforms on the monitor above Red's bed. Professor Oak's brow crumples in thought, making his profile look grave and impressive. It's a look Green associates with peeking through a crack in the door into his grandfather's study, watching him pore over research data. It turns his stomach to think of him looking at Red that way.
"He's doing better today," Green blurts. His grandfather startles and turns towards him slowly, as if he forgot he was there. He's shocked by the raw pain on his grandfather's face before his expression smoothes over.
"Is he?" Professor Oak says, and his voice cracks a little. He turns away, a fist to his mouth as he clears his throat. Green stares at the wrinkles around his eyes and the shape of his shoulders beneath the worn lab coat. He realizes for the first time how old his grandfather is. His hair has gone from salt-and-pepper to almost totally white.
"The nurse said his vital signs are looking better," he says. "They've been giving him antibiotics, and stuff to keep his blood pressure stable. He still has a long way to go, though."
Professor Oak nods, but now that they're looking directly at each other, Green sees a flicker of confusion in his eyes. "What's wrong? This not your area of expertise?" Green says, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
His grandfather ducks his head. "You started helping me with my research when you were just a boy," he says. "I think you would know better than anyone that I don't know everything."
Part of him wants to avoid his grandfather like he's been doing for years and walk out of the room. But Professor Oak stands between him and the door and besides, Red is here—it would take more than his grandfather to shake Green from his place beside him. So Green folds his arms and leans back in his chair, a familiar irritation winding itself up inside of him like a spring. His grandfather's back straightens at the look on Green's face, and Green smiles without mirth.
"Be honest," he says. "You're not happy to see me here, are you? You wanted to see the kid you really wanted as your grandson, instead of me."
There's a long pause.
"I'm aware that you're not happy with me," his grandfather says carefully. "But Red was your rival. Your friend. You..." he clears his throat, and tries again. "The grandson I have is someone who cares about those who are close to him. I'm glad to see you here."
Green rolls his eyes. "You don't have to praise me," he says. "What the hell."
Professor Oak frowns at the language but doesn't reproach him for it. Green feels a little disappointed.
"I knew you were the one who recommended me for the Viridian Gym," Green presses. "Lance told me. You know what he said? 'You should accept your grandfather's peace offering.' I guess that's how it looked to other people." He gives a sharp bark of a laugh. "After Red beat me, you shuttled me off to your researcher friends in the Sevii Islands, but they didn't want me either. Viridian's close to Pallet and I knew you just wanted me close by, to make sure I didn't embarrass you any more. But I did pretty well all by myself, didn't I? I turned that shitty, run-down gym into the strongest gym in Kanto. I made the Earth Badge worth something again.
"So what if I decided I didn't want to live inside your handout anymore," Green spits, his breath coming fast. He doesn't remember standing but his hands are balled into fists at his sides and his grandfather is approaching him slowly with his palms up, as if he's a wild pokémon. "So what if I decided to give up my position and run a goddamn lighthouse. You don't have to pretend that you're proud of me. It's just us here, right? Red's unconscious anyway. There's no one to keep up appearances for. So just tell me the truth, Gramps," he says, and his voice shakes so badly that it's hard to get the words out. His grandfather is still coming closer and he doesn't know what he wants, he's never known what his grandfather wants, and he's tired of trying to figure it out. "You were never afraid to tell me how disappointed you were when I was a kid. Go on, Gramps, tell me what you really think."
There's only a step of space between them now. Professor Oak's hands hover in the middle distance between them, fingers outstretched but not touching. "I have only ever wanted what's best for you," he says. His voice is thin and trembling. "For God's sake, Green, you're my grandson. You and Daisy were the only family I had left after your mother died. Don't you think I care about you?"
"No," Green whispers, "I don't."
He flinches, but continues. "I know how much the championship meant to you. I wanted to shield you from the media and the pressure—I sent you to the Sevii Islands to recover from that. But I also wanted to show you battling wasn't all there was to pokémon."
"You thought I deserved to lose the championship," Green snarls. "You thought Red deserved to beat me."
Professor Oak's mouth tightens. "I won't lie to you," he says. "I did. But it was because you still had so much to learn. There's so much more to life than winning or losing a title. Both you and your pokémon deserve more. Red's a natural genius with pokémon, but he couldn't have restored the Viridian Gym like you did. I nominated you because I knew what you were capable of. You're intelligent and passionate, and I've always known life had great things in store for you. No one has worked harder or loves pokémon now more than you, Green," Professor Oak says, "and I am so proud of you for that."
"When I lost the championship, I just wanted to come home," Green says, unable to stop the hitch in his voice. "I wanted to come home and you didn't even want me there."
Professor Oak's expression crumbles. He steps forward and pulls Green into his arms, squeezing him so tightly it hurts. Green just lets him, vision blurring as he stares straight ahead at the empty doorway. They're in a hospital, he thinks. They're in public. He shouldn't be acting like this. But he can't bring himself to push his grandfather away. He can't stop himself from shaking.
"I'm sorry," his grandfather whispers in his ear, his voice low and urgent and fierce. "I'm so sorry."
Sometimes Green looks in the mirror and sees the lines of his grandfather's face in his own. It used to infuriate him; now it just makes him feel tired. He thinks he sees some of that exhaustion mirrored in his grandfather's expression. It was the same when he woke up on the three year anniversary of Red's disappearance and realized he was the only one keeping track. When he realized there was no witness to his grudge but his own ego.
He thinks again of Red half-buried in the surf. When he first saw Red after he was transferred to the ICU, he was barely recognizable. Green reached out to touch him and it felt so strange, his hand swollen with IV fluids, a limp weight in his palms; but still, there was a flicker of motion at the touch.
He had been waiting for him, Green thinks. He had been waiting all this time.
Green takes a deep, shuddering breath, and then another. "Please let go of me," he says.
His grandfather immediately steps back. "I'm sorry."
"No, no." Green can't look at him anymore. "I...wanted to hear that. I just...it's a lot to process."
Professor Oak glances down, a hand rubbing over his face. "Yes. That's true. But I meant every word, Green." He sighs, looking up at him again. "My only regret is that I never said these things to you sooner."
Green shakes his head. It's too much, he's too emotionally raw to handle any more input right now. "I'm gonna go," he says. "You'll stay with Red, right?"
His grandfather's brow is furrowing again. "You're pale," he says. "Will you be all right?"
"I'll be fine," he says. "I'm gonna lie down, though. I didn't sleep much last night."
After a pause his grandfather nods, still watching his face. "Make sure you eat something first," he says. "You have to take care of yourself."
"I always take care of myself," Green sighs. "See you later, Gramps."
The nurse ignores him when he steps out of the room. He doesn't know if they overheard, or if they even cared if they had. They probably see all kinds of family drama, anyway.
He gets outside and calls out Eevee, who takes one look at his face and leaps into his arms, covering his cheeks in tiny kisses until he gives an exhausted chuckle. "Thanks," he says. "I needed that. Keep me awake until we get to the hotel, okay? I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep just standing here...jeez. Gramps didn't have to spring that on me."
His voice is annoyed, but his steps feel lighter than they have in years.
--
The news of Red's return breaks eventually, of course. Green notified the League once Red was admitted to the hospital so they could prepare. Indigo Plateau responded by releasing a carefully crafted statement, ...recently returned from an overseas trip, critical but stable condition, please respect his family's wishes for privacy at this time.
Leaf sends him a selfie with her back to the lighthouse's window balcony, a few curious reporters on the ground below. don't say anything you'll make it worse, Green replies as fast as his fingers will type. Then, belatedly: Sorry about this.
lol nice to know you put me first, Leaf says. don't worry tho. I got it under control.
Meanwhile, Silver complains that the gym's voicemail is full of reporters asking for Green's contact information. I don't want to be in anyone's shadow, he sends in an e-mail.
Just tell them to get off your lawn, Green responds. You're an old man now, just like the rest of us gym leaders. He's a little stung that being Red's biggest rival doesn't seem to count as family, but he can't say he's surprised, either.
Lance calls to ask how Red is doing. "Of course you'd want to know, huh," Green says. "You don't need to worry, though. He's not going to be challenging Ethan for a while."
Lance chuckles. It's a soft sound, and it surprises Green every time he hears it. "That's the least of my concerns, Green. Red is important to all of Kanto, of course, but more than that, I have always considered him a friend. Of course I want to know how he's doing."
Green's mouth pulls to the side in a flat line, feeling chastised somehow. "The nurse says Red's doing better today. They took him off some of the drips he was on. Hey, how are Red's pokémon? I haven't heard about them since…"
"Oh," Lance replies, "pokémon are hardier than us humans—they've made a full recovery. Your grandfather offered to house them at his ranch until Red is feeling better."
Green's voice lowers. "What about Pikachu?"
"Pikachu too," Lance reassures him. "And don't worry, I'll update everyone else on Red's status. Thank you for doing this, by the way."
"Doing what?"
"Acting as the contact point for Red's loved ones."
Suddenly self-conscious, he shrugs even though Lance can't see it. "It's nothing," he adds dryly. "You know me, I love being the center of attention anyway."
Lance's voice softens. "Speaking of you...how are you doing?"
"I'm fine."
"This must all be quite hard on you," he says, so gently that Green feels his throat tighten. "I understand that you're the one who found him."
"I'm fine," Green repeats, but his voice gives him away. He pulls the phone away to grimace at it before returning it to the cradle of his shoulder.
Lance waits another moment, but Green doesn't say anything. After the silence goes on for long enough to become awkward, Lance clears his throat and continues. "We've worked together for the last decade," he says. "I would not forget the time we spent together so easily. Of course I'm interested in your welfare as well."
"You always get so formal when you don't know what to say," Green says.
"Yes," Lance replies dryly, "as you've pointed out to me many times in the past."
Green laughs. "I'm glad you've lightened up some over the years," he says. "Thanks for asking about me."
"It is nothing," Lance says, the warmth of his voice clear through the phone. "Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you all."
--
The last message of the day is the first to make him stop short. Are you okay? -Kris
In a moment he's dialed her number and pressed the phone to his ear. It takes longer than expected for Kris to pick up, considering she texted him moments before. He hears the rustle of papers, a distant "oh!" as if the phone has nearly been dropped, before Kris's voice rings out. "Elm Labratory, Kris speaking!"
"Hey," he says, suddenly nervous.
He hears a quick intake of breath as she recognizes his voice. "Oh! Hey," she replies, sounding just as out-of-place. "It's so weird to hear your voice."
Green snorts. "Thanks a lot."
"Oh come on, stop it, I don't mean it like that! It's just like...it feels like I've gotten a letter from far away, or something. It's kind of exciting."
"Oh yeah? Was my voice so sexy that it made your heart pound?" he says, grinning.
She just laughs at him. "But seriously, though! We haven't spoken since I was in Pallet, right?"
Green swallows. "Yeah. Long time no chat."
"I'm sorry," Kris says. "I should have called—"
"No, no," Green interrupts. "It takes two to talk, right? I didn't call either. How are you?"
"I should be asking you that," Kris says.
Green sighs, glancing out the window at the twinkling Saffron skyline. It never really gets dark here, and while Green is somewhat used to that from living in a lighthouse, the steady sweep of Lucy's light is different from the LED brilliance that lances in through the hotel room's parted curtains. "I don't know," he says. "It's...it's hard to explain."
"I've got time," she says.
Suddenly reminded, Green looks at the clock and winces. "Oh man, it's like three in the morning. I'm sorry."
"I'm the one who texted you," she retorts. "Besides, did you already forget that I'm a noctowl? I'm keeping an eye on some of Elm's projects overnight, so I was kind of bored, honestly. What's up?"
It helps, somehow, that Kris is being a little flippant about it. It's easier to talk if he knows the other person isn't worried about him or worse, pitying him.
"I really can't complain," Green says, "I mean like, Red's mom, god, she stays with Red in the hospital every night and only sleeps for a few hours a day when Gramps and I force her to. But she's still so calm somehow, listening to everything the doctors say, thanking everybody for taking care of her son. We're covering her hotel costs and stuff while she's here, and Daisy's minding the house, but it's nothing compared to what she must be going through. I...kind of like spending so much time with her, though. I mean, I wish it was under different circumstances, and I guess it's a bit weird since we're not even related, but I think I missed her. But sometimes she catches me—"
Green stops, biting his lip. After a long pause, Kris says, "She catches what?"
His teeth worry at his lower lip and then sink in, hard and suddenly, trying to curtail his racing thoughts. Catches me looking, he doesn't say. Catches me thinking about how I— "He was gone for thirteen years," Green says. "He wasn't into letters or phone calls, and besides, I didn't have a lot to say to him after...well. I didn't want to talk to him. And it's not like it was a big deal...just one day I looked up and realized I hadn't heard from Red in six months. I tried to call him and couldn't. I asked Daisy and she hadn't heard from him either. He just...vanished.
"Ethan mentioned seeing an amazing trainer on Mt. Silver but when I went, I didn't find anything. But I figured, whatever, Red gets in my way all the time, of course he'll show up again. I thought he would come knocking when I became gym leader, you know? Show up and challenge me for it, or something. But he didn't."
Green realizes that he's rubbing at where his neck meets his shoulders, subconsciously trying to soothe himself. He forces himself to stop. Kris is still silent, so he swallows once and continues.
"It's not like I haven't been busy myself, you know," he says. "I'm pretty awesome. Staying the top gym leader in Kanto isn't easy. Team Rocket tried starting something in Viridian three years after Giovanni disbanded the whole thing, and I kicked them out of town. I did a lot of regional tours, too—goodwill trips and stuff...but still. It didn't feel right.
"I never told anyone, but they offered me a position in the Elite Four," he says. "I told them I didn't want it. I actually yelled at Lance for offering it to me. 'I wasn't good enough to be champion, so you want me to sit around and pick who's gonna be champion instead?' I said. 'Are you going to rub that in my face forever?' You know what Lance said to me? He said, 'Green, the only one who's still thinking about that is you.'
"And he was right. To everyone else, that stuff was ancient history. But then...then I realized, I'd…" Green stops to take a shaking breath. "I'd never gotten over Red. It was like I was still 14 inside, waiting for him to show up at my gym, waiting for him to come after me again. I wanted him to. I didn't know what to do without Red following me. That's what I realized. I was sitting around, waiting for some asshole who was never going to show.
"So I quit the gym."
His voice is wobbly, so he stops talking for a minute. He can hear Kris breathing on the other end, slow and even.
He could imagine what she'd be doing if she were here next to him. She'd be staring at some scientific journal in her lap, one hand fiddling with a highlighter. It would look like she wasn't paying attention. But slowly, if he let the silence go long enough, her free hand would sneak out and settle over his. She'd tilt her head to rest on his shoulder. She'd never turn toward him, not once, because she knew if she did he'd stop talking. She'd never look up from her paper. But he'd have all of her attention.
Right now Kris is probably watching test tubes bubble in Elm's lab and writing down numbers, or something. But she's listening. And because he knows she'll stay on the line until morning if that's how long it takes, he opens his mouth again.
His voice is small.
"I knew he was out there somewhere," he says. "So I never worried about it. I just figured he didn't want to put up with some loser who couldn't accept that he was always gonna be second best. I mean, who has time for someone like that, right? But Red—when I found him—he was—" his voice breaks again and he forces it louder, to drown the shaking out. "He was just lying there. He could have died. He could have died and if I wasn't there, if the lighthouse hadn't been placed just where it was—if nobody was there to find him, I could have lost him, just like that.
"How could that happen? How could he—I ignored him because I thought nothing would happen if I did. But I could have lost him. I would have spent the rest of my life not even knowing he was dead. That scares the shit out of me. I didn't even—I didn't even think he was something I could lose. I didn't realize I thought of him as something I had in the first place. I just wanted—I want Red to wake up," he whispers into the phone. "I want him to wake up, and I want him to look at me, and I never want him to leave ever again."
Green is tired of crying. At least this time there's no one around, and he knows the person on the other end of the line would never look up until his tears were dry. Just as he expects, Kris doesn't say anything until the last of his hiccups subside.
"You love him, don't you?" Kris says.
"I don't know," Green says miserably. "I think I still hate him."
Kris laughs. "I don't think you hate him, Green."
"I hate him!" Green snaps but it sounds like he's whining, even to his own ears. "What kind of idiot tries to surf across the Hoenn Ocean? I can't believe he's still this stupid and irresponsible, always taking risks, always—I want to shake him—he could've stayed where he was and out of my life—"
"But you're glad he's home, right?"
"It was easier when he was gone," Green says, sniffling. "God, this is awful. I can't even think straight."
"Drink some water?" Kris suggests.
"Yeah, you're right," he mutters. "Okay. Hold on."
He puts the phone down for a few minutes. When he comes back, he sounds a little better. "Okay," he says again. "Sorry."
"Feeling better?"
"I'm used to well water," Green grumbles. "City water tastes weird."
"Okay, good," she replies.
Green sits down on the bed, his free hand rubbing at his temple. He can tell that he's going to have a headache in a minute.
"Do you remember Leaf?" he says.
"Yeah, I do. I like her. How's she doing?"
"She takes care of Lucy for me while I'm in Saffron. The lighthouse seems to be doing fine. But she lives with Red's mom. She took over the room Red used to have when he was a kid. So when Red's well enough to leave the hospital…I mean, Leaf offered to find a new place, but it's kind of short notice, and Red's mom doesn't want to kick her out, anyway—"
"I see," Kris says. "What are you planning to do?"
"Who says I'm planning anything?" Green snaps. Kris doesn't bother replying, and Green sighs. "I was thinking about asking Red to stay with me in the lighthouse while he gets better. The doctors said he's going to need a lot of physical therapy after he gets out. But it would be weird of me to offer, right? I mean, he's not my family or anything. That's probably weird."
"I don't think it's weird," Kris says. "He's your childhood friend, right?"
"It's weird when you put it that way," Green mutters.
"You grew up together," she says. "It makes sense that you'd want him to get better. You have the extra space, so why not? It'd be easier than asking Leaf to move out all of her stuff, and I know she helps Red's mom around the house a lot too. I think it's a good idea, actually."
"Really? You don't think it's...I don't know. Desperate," he says, wincing.
Kris laughs. "You think way too much," she says. "It's a good solution to an important problem. You might as well give it a shot. Besides, it'll give you time to admit that you love him."
He can't help but flinch. "Now you're just making fun of me," he grumbles.
"Are you feeling better?" she asks, not denying it. He can hear the smile in her voice.
Green sighs. "Yeah, I am," he says. "Thanks, Kris."
"Any time," she says. "You're important to me too, you know." For the first time in the conversation, her voice sounds awkward. "I get so caught up in research...I don't really have a lot of friends. So I think about you a lot. You can call or text any time, okay?"
Green takes a deep breath. "Okay," he says. "I'll text you more often. And I guess I'll ask Red's mom tomorrow and see what she thinks about Red staying with me. It'll still be a little while until he's ready to leave, anyway."
"Sounds like a good plan," Kris says. "You should get some rest."
"Yeah. Good night."
"Good night, Green."
After she hangs up, Green flops back across the bed, one fist pressed against his forehead. His mind is already turning with all the preparation he has to make if he wants to fix up the spare room for Red.
Red living in his house. The thought feels like a soap bubble, too new and fragile to hold, and he closes his eyes against an irrational wave of fright.
"You're not a kid anymore," he tells himself. "You're an adult. Fucking act like it."
He gets ready for bed and buries himself under the covers, but it takes a while before sleep comes.
// written November 2016 to March 2017
Illustration by AJ (thehauntedboy) // Full Size // commission them!