Expression (QMi, one-shot)

[outstretched]

Title: Expression
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,031
Genre: Character Study, Romance, Drama, Fluff
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Warnings: None
Summary: Kyuhyun is the only one who can get away with anything.
A/N: For ogawa_kaori. Inspired by "Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack, amongst other things. Extra author's notes/explanations at the end. Sorry this fic was down for a while; I thought it needed some more work. Thank you so much to those who commented the first time.
Cross-Posts: DW and AO3.


Expression

Zhou Mi's not easy to take advantage of. He's polite, but he knows the difference between right and wrong. He's not a fool.

Kyuhyun is the only one who can get away with anything.












When Zhou Mi looks for a practice room, sometimes he finds Ryeowook already there. He ducks his head in apology, and Ryeowook's protests for him to stay go unheeded.

Sometimes he runs into Donghae. Zhou Mi watches, unnoticed, as fluid movements roll through his body like waves. The staccato footwork fades into silence as Zhou Mi retreats.

When he finds Kyuhyun, he smiles and steps inside.












Zhou Mi chalks it up to Kyuhyun being the magnae, at first. That's why he comes to Zhou Mi demanding attention so often.

Then it changes a little. Henry is the new magnae and Kyuhyun feels out of place. He feels new again and he doesn't know what to do about it. Kyuhyun is looking for company, and Zhou Mi is just another outcast.

Only once does Zhou Mi consider the idea that Kyuhyun is in love with him. They're crumpled in a forgotten corner, waiting for their names to be called again. The room is quiet in an after-midnight way, and Zhou Mi can't remember the last time he slept. His eyes follow Siwon, who stumbles in his steps and clenches his fists.

"I loved a girl once," Kyuhyun whispers into his ear. Zhou Mi's throat burns. "I was sixteen. Junior year. We went out, but I never told her. She broke up with me."

Kyuhyun's head rolls against Zhou Mi's shoulder, restless. "I don't think I'll ever fall in love again," he murmurs.

Zhou Mi only entertains the idea once.












Zhou Mi hears the sound of round, easy syllables as Henry talks to his family in Canada. He catches a few of the words; Good, his own name, I love you. Eventually, he hangs up and flops down on his bed, legs dangling off the edge of the mattress and kicking slightly.

Before Zhou Mi can leave, Kyuhyun darts past him. As he passes, his hand shoots out and he drags Zhou Mi in after him. The door slams behind them both.

Henry swings upright and stares at the two of them. Zhou Mi gives him a helpless look. Before anyone can say anything, Kyuhyun dives with Zhou Mi into Henry's closet.

"What are we—"

"Shh," Kyuhyun whispers, looking over Zhou Mi's shoulder. Kyuhyun's ribs dig into Zhou Mi's every time he gulps down another breath, and their noses are nearly touching. A beam of light filters in around the closed door and slants diagonally across his lips and cheek, making one of his pupils constrict. Zhou Mi tries not to stare.

He hears someone slam into Henry's room, hears Henry cry "It wasn't me!" Kyuhyun buries his face in Zhou Mi's shoulder. His laughter reverberates through them both, soundlessly.

Ryeowook hurls the closet open and Zhou Mi freezes. The first thing that comes to his lips is I'm sorry but it comes out in Chinese—he realizes halfway through and the syllables pile up senselessly. Confused, panicking, he steps back and Kyuhyun's hands slide from his shoulders. Kyuhyun just laughs harder now that he's (they've) been caught.

Ryeowook scolds them both, but there's no real force behind it—the surprise has lessened his anger, perhaps, although that doesn't seem like an adequate explanation. "Zhou Mi," Ryeowook sighs as Henry herds all of them out of his room, "Keep a better eye on Kyuhyun."

Kyuhyun is clinging to Zhou Mi's hand, gently pulling when he stops short. "He listens to you," Ryeowook says when he sees Zhou Mi's confused stare.

Zhou Mi bows his head and mumbles an apology. Ryeowook doesn't understand, he thinks. Kyuhyun's not his to watch.












He tries to turn his attention to the others. He laughs with Siwon, peers over Han Geng's shoulder, translates for Donghae, but Kyuhyun stands between him and the others in the line-up. Kyuhyun's just one whisper away.

It's always Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun's voice washing over his ears. Kyuhyun's warmth pressed against him, day and night. Kyuhyun's bright smile, unwavering attention, shy sidelong glances. It's too easy to forget.

When they see the first pairing sign, Kyuhyun laughs. Zhou Mi doesn't know what that means. He starts to wonder, but before the truth can set in, before it can hurt, Kyuhyun's pulling him into the van, Kyuhyun's pulling him across the stage, Kyuhyun's pulling him back into the kitchen, Kyuhyun's pulling him down to the couch, and Zhou Mi forgets.

Zhou Mi is happiest, then.












"Tell me a secret," Kyuhyun says. They're in the van. Everyone else is asleep (at least, Zhou Mi thinks so).

"Don't have any," Zhou Mi sighs. He's half-asleep himself.

Kyuhyun nudges him. Why isn't he tired? The kindest description Zhou Mi can come up with right now is insistent. "Tell me one."

Zhou Mi opens blurry eyes. Sees Kyuhyun's faintly pockmarked cheek, and swallows. He nudges Kyuhyun back, perhaps sharper than necessary, making him shift so there's a small space between them. Their hands stay intertwined.

"Go to sleep," he mutters.


He's too tired to fight.












When they return to the SM dorms for the first time in months, it feels like another hotel, another borrowed room.

The others are excited. They talk about the people waiting for them, the souvenirs they've brought home to give away. They're going to have a big party that night, Kyuhyun says, eyes bright (in a way that Zhou Mi thought was reserved for him). Zhou Mi is invited, of course.

Zhou Mi sends Heechul a simple text—We're back ^_^—and doesn't go.












"Where have you been," Kyuhyun says the next day.

Zhou Mi looks at the bags around his feet. "Shopping."

"I miss you," Kyuhyun says. He seizes Zhou Mi's wrist. "Heechul misses you. Everyone misses you."

Zhou Mi stares at his skin, exposed in the spaces between Kyuhyun's fingers. "I have filming tomorrow," he says.

Kyuhyun tugs at him, expressionless in that way, Zhou Mi knows, that hides upset.

"Come," he says.

Zhou Mi pushes his door open, then leans down to pick up a bag. "I wasn't sure anyone would notice." He tries to laugh.

"You're 185 cm," Kyuhyun says. "Everyone notices you."












愛 [Love], he writes.

He stares at it.

Then he crumples the paper and throws it out.












Zhou Mi works hard and comes home exhausted, wakes up the next morning and does it again. In his free time, he drapes himself over anyone who will tolerate him. He spends his vacation laughing, eating, shopping.

Sometimes fangirls manage to corner him on the street. "Where's Kyuhyun?" they'll occasionally ask. He's always ready with an answer and a smile, but the truth is, sometimes he doesn't know.












One day, Kyuhyun will find a girl. She'll be tall and beautiful and intelligent, someone Kyuhyun won't be able to ignore. Maybe she won't take no for an answer, or maybe Kyuhyun will try to court her and fail (or maybe he'll succeed). Maybe she'll be his vocal coach. Maybe she'll be a model. Maybe she'll be a songwriter and write coded messages into the pieces Kyuhyun is contractually obligated to sing.

Whoever it is, whatever the circumstance, she'll make him happy and they'll look perfect together. Zhou Mi knows this.

He hasn't talked to Kyuhyun for more than an hour in total over the past two weeks. Blame it on too-tight scheduling, blame it on distance, blame it on fear. He closes his eyes every night and thinks of Kyuhyun and the girl he'll meet. He thinks of it as hard as he can until his head throbs and he feels sick. He has to do this, he thinks. Then, when it happens, it won't hurt so much.

Zhou Mi knows how this will go.












He next sees Kyuhyun at a company function, a black tie affair. Kyuhyun, at his side again, feels like China. Don't question it, Zhou Mi tells himself. Just be happy. Just try.

An hour and a half into the party, Kyuhyun drags him away and locks them both in the bathroom. It's neat and polished, like the rest of the building. The mirror reflects warm marble, flushed cheeks, blue gentian on the windowsill.

"Stop running away," Kyuhyun says. "What do I have to do to—" His eyes are bright. The cool stone leaches the heat from Zhou Mi's back. "Stop."

Stop what? Zhou Mi thinks.

"Why can't you see it," Kyuhyun whispers, barely audible.

Zhou Mi blinks. He tilts his head down until he can see Kyuhyun's face. Kyuhyun's eyes flick up before he looks away.

"You said you'd never fall in love again," Zhou Mi says.

Kyuhyun's eyes widen, then narrow. "Idiot—I was sixteen. I hadn't slept in—Why did you listen to me?"

"Should I be listening to you now?" Zhou Mi's gaze travels from Kyuhyun's loosened bowtie up to his bloodshot eyes.

"I'm serious."

"You're exhausted."

Kyuhyun shakes his head, hard.

"You'll regret this. You don't know what you—"

"Shut up," Kyuhyun hisses, "Shut up, shut—" He lunges forward. The kiss is so hard that it hurts, and Zhou Mi's head knocks back against the wall. Kyuhyun raises his hand to cradle the back of his neck, kissing him with a clumsy urgency. His tongue swipes soft against the teeth marks he's left on Zhou Mi's lips. Zhou Mi takes a shuddering breath.

"I'm serious," Kyuhyun whispers again, eyes angry, pleading.

Zhou Mi hesitates before he reaches up to rest a hand on Kyuhyun's face. The pad of his thumb swipes across the dark circle beneath Kyuhyun's right eye.

The second kiss is barely a brush. Kyuhyun's hands clutch at his shoulders and the third kiss is unstoppable. By the fourth, Kyuhyun is moaning into his mouth and after the fifth Zhou Mi loses count.

Kyuhyun pulls away a few minutes later, pupils blown wide. He grabs Zhou Mi's hand and presses it to the bulge in his slacks. "You need to take me home," he pants. "Now."






"Harder," Kyuhyun gasps, eyelashes fluttering, legs shaking. Zhou Mi licks at a bead of sweat on his neck, angles in a little deeper. Kyuhyun makes a strangled noise. His mouth opens to say something, but Zhou Mi never lets him get that far; he tilts Kyuhyun's head back and their lips meet. Kyuhyun's words dissolve in his mouth, heavy on his tongue.












"You're being ridiculous," Sungmin says. "He's not going anywhere."

Zhou Mi doesn't say anything. Sungmin sighs. His fingers brush the strings, and sound scatters through the room. The notes shift a few times before Sungmin finds a chord he's satisfied with, and he writes it down on a small notepad.

Zhou Mi listens until Sungmin can play without hesitation, humming over the sound of the guitar.

"Just let yourself be happy," Sungmin says. "Not everything has to be hard."












Kyuhyun comes home with a sweet-smelling box and dumps it in front of Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi opens it as Kyuhyun moves to the cupboard.

"It's a little late for croissants," Zhou Mi says.

Kyuhyun picks two plates from the shelf. "They didn't have anything else," he mumbles, pulling butter out of the fridge. "They were about to close, but I—I remembered you like that place." He places everything next to the box and goes to make coffee while Zhou Mi sets the table.

"Thank you," Zhou Mi says once Kyuhyun sits down. Kyuhyun just chews and fumbles for Zhou Mi's hand.

At the end of the week, Kyuhyun is still bringing him little gifts and still kissing him like the world is ending. That's when Zhou Mi starts to believe that, maybe, it's true.












快樂的節奏 閉上眼盡情的享受
感受我掌心裡的溫度
用微笑當做 我的禮物

["A happy tempo, close my eyes and enjoy this feeling as much as possible
Feel the warmth of my palms
Treat smiles as my present"]

Kyuhyun lifts his head and squints. Zhou Mi is crouched over the desk, his form carved from the darkness by the table lamp's pale light. Kyuhyun groans and his head drops back onto the pillow. "Mi, it's late," he says. "Do it tomorrow."

This will be a good song, Zhou Mi thinks.

—185 cm = ~6 ft. This is an approximation, since I couldn't find his exact height listed anywhere.
—Blue gentians can mean anything from "intrinsic worth" to "trustworthiness/integrity" to "injustice." (I'm still on a flower kick from my last fic.)
—The lyrics are from True Love if you didn't already know.


// written 24 Mar 2011 to 10 Apr 2011
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